NORTHERN STARLIGHT

I got lost in a crowd in NYC today, literally. I didn't know which way was north and walked in entirely the wrong direction for a long time dazzled by the flashing lights. Also, metaphorically.

They say New York is home to 10 million people. They can't number the stars in the sky yet somehow it seems like even more. In fact the whole NYC metro area is 20m+ people, and that's half the population of my entire home country - Canada has 40m. Our economy is literally 10x smaller than that of the USA. And it really feels like it, too.

Growing up in the GTA (Greater Toronto Area, not Grand Theft Auto, altho two things can be true at once), it always felt a little like I knew everyone from somewhere. School or church or Chinese school, art school, entertainment industry, I worked in a bunch of fancy restaurants and shitty dive bars, I had a very front facing job in marketing, I worked in industrial engineering. That aboot covered everyone everywhere all at once.

I always joked it was a small town but it was so rare for me to take the subway or go to a mall and not run into someone I know. And being the brat I am, I always said hi even if it was clear they didn't want to have a whole ass conversation with me. But it's not like I was gonna make eye contact and not say anything.

I would take the same bus for years on end and know every bus driver on the route by name, and also the regulars at and along my stop. Of course I recognize you. Are we not neighbors in spirit and in name?
At the time, I honestly didn't know this wasn't how everyone lived. I assumed my experiences were just normal. I felt so much a part of the community, like a thread in a fabric that could never be extracted.

And yet when I left im sure no one felt my absence. Maybe other people simply don't feel as deeply as I do. Or I'm just not more than an occasional hello as the opportunity presents itself, in a sea of other faces, in a hear of generic names.

Walking around in another country with no connection to anyone  was initially thrilling, like being a celebrity anonymous under  sunglasses. No one knows who you are. No one cares.

But to be honest 
No one cares anyways.

Things aren't the way they were before, I guess they never are. But I'm also fairly sure it's not just my purrsonal nostalgia that makes it so.

They say record levels of radiation color the dark of the sky in Aurora hues. I look up at the sky and squint past the glowing haze to find the brightest star in the North. It beckons me home, but I have no real way to get there. Thousands of miles have found their way under my feet, and I'm lost here in more ways than one. I'm not going anywhere. This is just a stranger's land I'm standing upon. It will never not feel this way.